Planeswalker Duels
by Wonktastic
Summary: Across the multiverse, planeswalkers engage in epic duels deciding the fate of trillions. They wield powerful magics capable of destroying entire planes and creating new life. It's just too bad these planeswalkers are the multiverse's biggest trolls.


He didn't know why they were fighting.

As he ducked yet another fireball, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly caused this shit to even happen. He was taking an innocent stroll through the city streets of Ravnica, not really doing anything in particular, when all of a sudden, this one random dude comes out and literally throws a goblin at him. All he wanted to do was to relax, take in the sights, walk through the bazaar, something other than the endless piles of paperwork that came with living in Ravnica.

He had dodged the goblin of course, but why anyone would think about throwing a random _goblin_ at anyone else was truly beyond him.

Naturally, being a planeswalker, he feared for the worst. What if this were a kidnapping? And this were an agent from gods know which agency that was bent on Multiuniversal domination? And they needed his skills? He instinctively drew upon the powers of the Ravnican guildgates, feeling the mana from the massive gates surge through him.

It took a second for him to realize that goblin chucker was also a planeswalker. Fiery magic poured at his hands, powered by great spires of stone. Fire formed near his hands as he prepared more summoning magic, this time creating a larger goblin, one more muscular, and definitely more angry.

_Goblin man clearly doesn't like me._

And so, he channeled the power of the guildgates, creating a large fog from the air around them and slipping away. He would need time to prepare for one massive cataclysmic spell. After all, it was the only combat magic he knew. If this were any other mage, he would have just ran away, and he probably could have gotten away with it. But this goblin chucker was a planeswalker, and he knew that planeswalkers were very _very _determined people.

Of course, the fog didn't hold goblin man for very long, and by the time goblin man had caught up to him, he had already summoned more goblins, and quite a few more at that. There were dozens of random generic goblins running around now, armed with shitty pieces of metal for weapons, and covered with shitty pieces of sheet metal.

What was more terrifying was the fact that Krenko, Mob Boss of the Ravnican Goblin Mafia was by goblin dude's side, taking orders. And that Krenko had spotted him and had ordered his entire goblin army to charge.

_Oh, that's not good. _

Channeling magic again, he called forth his own summoning magic, this time bringing forth the great warriors of Theros. The spearmen hailed his call, forming a massive phalanx along the city streets, jamming the goblins in and forcing them back. This gave him just enough time to escape, and channel more power. He needed more power for this particular spell.

Eventually, he found a nice secluded grove near the Selesnya part of town. Sighing contently, he sat down and started to meditate, feeling power course through his body. It still wasn't enough though, not nearly enough. He needed power from each of the guilds, from the grim, dark depths of the Cult of Rakdos to the ridiculous ingenuity of the Izzet League.

He had just started to find his rhythm when he heard the clanking of a goblin army approach him. Like a thundering herd of farm animals, they charged wildly and uncontrollably through the streets, knocking down stands, trampling people, and generally destroying things.

Sighing, he called upon some of his most powerful magic, contacting Isperia and asking for assistance. Almost hilariously, Isperia responded, descending down upon the goblin army and giving each of them a stern scolding before leaving. Riot control at its finest.

And once again, the goblin army couldn't find the evasive bastard.

This cycle repeated. Many times, in fact. He would get found, use magic to drop fog or some other sort of massive disturbance around the ever growing goblin army, slip away to channel more power, get found again only to drop more fog around the goblins…

Basically, the whole thing got old really quickly. Especially when it took an entire day of running around.

Another fog descended from nowhere, shrouding the city streets once more. The three thousand goblins slowed, eyeing the fog. They proceeded cautiously, slowly and steadily. They were smart, or at least, they were experienced, and they knew that any enemy could be hidden in the fog. They poked and prodded, checking every nook and cranny that the fog shrouded, making sure that they were the only ones on the city streets.

Finally, the fog lifted, leaving the three thousand goblins confused. Again, the fucker had disappeared, leaving nothing behind.

Demoralized, confused, tired, and hungry, the goblins once again sat down. At this point, they really couldn't care anymore. They were promised violence and blood and more violence! And all they had found were fogs upon fogs upon fogs. Some of the goblins took out playing cards. At least it was better than sprinting after one random person.

Krenko couldn't believe it. His entire army of three thousand, _three thousand! _was forced to sit on the city streets because of the most ridiculous events. Four massive fog banks had rolled in, whether by some seriously shitty weather coincidence, or by magic, he couldn't tell. Three armies of phalanx soldiers had blocked his advance. Three times, and Krenko couldn't believe this the most, three times, the leader of the Azorius Senate had personally come by and forced his goblin army away. A few times, some random Selesnya hippies had trapped him by growing tree groves along the streets and alleyways.

By now, even he was getting tired of this bullshit. He looked at the planeswalker who had summoned him with an evil eye. The only thing he got in return was a frustrated sigh.

That was when they heard the rumbling. The earth shook and quaked and the clouds above parted to reveal a swirling tornado of light. It descended onto the earth, crushing and destroying everything that it touched. The already miserable goblins just stared at it with a look of defeat on their faces. The goblins were so fed up with everything they had gone through that they really didn't care anymore if their lives were about to end. And after a few seconds of chaotic destruction, all the goblins had been evaporated by the tornado of light.

As for the planeswalker, he just shrugged, walked into a different plane, waited about five minutes and then walked back into Ravnica. Sighing, he drew upon his power and called for Krenko once again. How he managed to bring the Mob Boss back from the dead was a question not even he had the answer to, but apparently, there were just a few copies of Krenko lying around or something.

That was when he decided to look upwards toward the spires of Ravnica that surrounded him and saw that his prey was nearing the top of the tallest one.

"LOOK AT ALL THESE LAAAAAANNNNDDDSSS!" his prey screamed to the heavens, cackling maniacally as he reached the very end of the Maze, touching the great stone that it housed. Power coursed through the stone and into his veins, granting him the great power of the ten guilds of Ravnica. Fire swirled through the sky, lightning crackled, rain poured, the wind howled, and a new god king of a plane was born.

* * *

"Go fuck yourself."

"Yep."

"I can't believe that fucking works. It's just nothing but fucking Fogs! And Maze's Ends!"

"Yep."

"I hate you so much right now."

"Yep."


End file.
